The Homeless Pickup Artist

Posted on 2023-02-03

He smells like urine. His bright red jacket is covered with beer stains. His pants are falling down. His facial expression is a mix of bewilderment, desperation and anger. He is a local bum. He is Darrell.

“Hey man, can you spare some change?” he asks

“Uh yea, I guess so” as I search my pockets

I realize I only have ten cents in change, so I pull out a few dollar bills and hand it to him.

“Oh, thanks man, I really really appreciate it” he says

“Yea, no problem dude.”

I begin to walk home when I stop myself. For some strange reason I decide to stand there at two in the morning, outside a 7Eleven and have a conversation with Darrell the bum.

I’ll admit, my reason for this wasn’t to help him, but to satisfy my own curiosity. This man that I see in my neighborhood on a daily basis, who begs for change, who is consistently drunk, passed out on sidewalks, pissing his pants, and vomiting on himself; I was curious what this guy’s story was. What causes a man’s life to sink this low?

“Hey dude, let me ask you a question. What are you going to do with that money?” I ask

“Oh uhhhh… probably…uhhh…you know, save it, so I can get myself cleaned up” he replies

“I see… and is that what you are really going to do, or is that what you think I want to hear?” I ask

“Uhhmm, well, what do you want to hear?” he asks, confused by my question

“Just the truth man. Look, I’m not going to be one of those guys who lectures you about how to live your life, ok? I’m just curious, that’s all.”

“Oh, well, to be honest, I’m going to buy some booze and have a good time” he admits

There it is. The truth. I’m not disappointed in his answer. I think it’s sobering to know the truth about oneself. Some people, even the most high status of people, will do anything to hide the truth of their faults, not just from others but from themselves. People can make excuses all they want but it will never hide the fact that they are responsible for their own lives. At least Darrell knows and admits his truth and his intentions.

We continue talking for a good twenty minutes. We talk about random events. We talk about the neighborhood. We talk about his current state of affairs. I don’t learn much about his past, about what I wanted to know and I don’t expect I’ll get much more out of him.

Finally, I ask him one last question.

“If you could do anything in the world, right now, regardless of money or anything else, what would you do with your life?”

He ponders the question for a few moments, swaying from side to side, looking towards the sky. Then he turns and gives his answer.

“I’d get laid” he says

That’s it? That’s his answer? I am a little stunned. I was truly expecting something else. Although, I imagine if I lived on the streets, in his condition, then the simple act of having sex with a woman would be a worthy goal. Of course, if Darrell were to pursue this goal, he’d have to clean himself up and get out of the gutter. Perhaps get some decent clothes, a decent job and a decent place to live. Perhaps the best way to get laid is to lead a life worth living. Perhaps pursuing the goal of getting laid, could possibly change this man’s life.

Will he do it? Probably not. He seems pretty intent on his current way of living. I’m not saying that he doesn’t want a better life, I’m just saying that he’s not willing to try.

“Hey! I thought you said you weren’t gonna lecture me?!” Darrell says in an angry tone

He’s right. He sensed me getting ready to tell him how to live his life. That’s not what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk to him like a person, not as a motivational speaker. That’s not my thing, that’s not what I do. I don’t think you can change people, I think only they can change themselves.

At this, I dismiss myself from the conversation and say goodbye, leaving Darrell standing there with his change cup in hand, under the neon glow of the 7Eleven sign. As I walk away, I hear him mumble something to a woman walking into the store.

“Hey there baby, you got any sugar for me? How about some change??”